Scenes from a Marriage (A Jacke Wilson Objectino)

Back by popular demand… it’s an Objectino! This time, a scene from a marriage….

A JACKE WILSON OBJECTINO*

HIM: Okay, I think I’ll head out to the dentist’s office.

HER: Already? Your appointment’s not for twenty minutes. It takes ten minutes to get there.

HIM: Well, by the time I park, get checked in…

HER: You could wait here five minutes and still make it in plenty of time.

HIM: Why would I wait here? I’m ready to go. Maybe they can take me early, and I can just get on with my day. What if I hit traffic or something?

HER: You just don’t want to sit here and try to relax, do you? Because then you’d think about yourself. And how much you hate yourself. That would be five minutes of torture, wouldn’t it?

HIM: Maybe I’ll have car trouble. Maybe their parking lot will be under construction…

HER: Maybe you’ll never have to spend five minutes alone with your own thoughts. Ever again.

HIM: WELL IF I LEAVE NOW IT’S A POSSIBILITY!!!!


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Best Case Name Ever (A Jacke Wilson Objectino)

Another day, another Objectino.* This one straight from the courthouse…

A JACKE WILSON OBJECTINO

Overheard at a legal proceeding:

LAWYER 1: What’s the best case name you ever cited in a brief? For me, I figure it’s gotta be Lone Star Ladies v. Schlotzsky’s Deli. Or here’s one for you: Fattman v. Bear. New Jersey case.

LAWYER 2: Fattman v. Bear? [chuckling] That’s pretty vivid.

LAWYER 1: No kidding. [shudders] Kind of makes me feel ill, just picturing it.


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A Marriage at Odds (A Jacke Wilson Objectino)

Time for another Objectino!* This one comes straight from the underbelly of a marriage…

A JACKE WILSON OBJECTINO

WIFE: [looking out the window] Oh great. It’s raining out. What are the odds that today is Saturday?
HUSBAND: One in seven.
WIFE: [exasperated] You know what I mean. It was sunny all week when I was stuck in that stupid office. What are the chances that the one day of rain we get this whole week happens to be on the weekend?
HUSBAND: Two in seven.

WIFE: I hate you sometimes.


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The Shirt Pocket Avatar (A Jacke Wilson Objectino)

Back to the workplace for another Objectino!*

A JACKE WILSON OBJECTINO

Overheard in an office meeting:

MAN: I realized the other day that my shirt pockets are so thin you can see my photo ID through them. For years there’s been this little me riding around in my shirt, right on my chest, where everyone could see it. I had this idea that maybe I should use that little guy, like there’d be this little man who would say all the things I wanted to say but couldn’t. The real me would be saying, “Okay, I’ll get that to you right away, no problem.” And the little me on my chest would say, [makes tiny voice ] “Up yours, jackass.” I don’t know…am I working too hard?

WOMAN: I think you answered that question about five sentences ago.


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Great Moments in Parenting (A Jacke Wilson Objectino)

Today’s Objectino* includes a video!

A JACKE WILSON OBJECTINO

Two young parents are admiring their sleeping six-month-old boy.

FATHER: He’s getting so big—pretty soon he’ll be learning how to read, and we’ll be watching all those great educational shows, like Sesame Street and Electric Company

MOTHER: Oh yeah! Electric Company. Those two silhouettes talking to each other.

[MOTHER holds up hands like two puppets facing each other]

MOTHER [opening one hand]: Sh…

[Long pause. MOTHER stares at the other hand.]

MOTHER: Sh…

[Long pause. MOTHER does not open the other hand.]

MOTHER [dropping her hands to her sides]: The only thing I could think of was shit!!!


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New Office Technology (A Jacke Wilson Objectino)

Today’s Objectino* goes back to the land of the Blood Cake

A JACKE WILSON OBJECTINO

After the New York office criticized us for having old equipment, our bosses splurged on a new videoconference room with state-of-the-art technology. At our next weekly luncheon with New York, we were excited to demonstrate how the camera swiveled automatically to focus on whoever was speaking.

We were taking turns talking, inwardly congratulating ourselves for finally beating New York at something, when suddenly the camera zoomed in on Beth, who had just taken an especially large bite of her sandwich.


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The Wayward Joke (A Jacke Wilson Objectino)

Yesterday was fun! Let’s try another Objectino!*

Dinnertime. An earnest seven-year-old is attempting to tell a joke:

BOY: Okay. Two cannibals are eating a clown. What does one cannibal say to the other?
BOY’S MOTHER: I don’t know, what?
BOY: “Does this taste funny?”
BOY’S MOTHER: Why are two cannonballs eating a clown?


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